Guys to Avoid on Social Media

By Monica Torres

Not to generalize, but every bad man on the Internet falls into these categories.

The Perfomawoke Ally

He’s a feminist because his Twitter bio tells you so. He’s a feminist because his second profile picture shows him at the Women’s March. Cites Ta-Nehisi Coates. Tells you he’s not like other guys. So feminist that he likes to challenge your lived experience as a woman in debates because “well, actually.” Sooooooo feminist he’ll never stop telling you about it.

The Guy So Boring You Swipe Left on the Third Word of His Bio

Loves travel, friends and family! Booze and finding cool restaurants! Stuff and things. Is holding a puppy in his profile picture. In every photo, he is wearing the same shirt.

The Man Who Is a Boy

Describes his independence as having a Netflix subscription. Relates too much to Drake. You can’t decide if it’s going to be worse when you find out he voted for Jill Stein or if he didn’t vote at all. Invites you to sleep on his hard mattress on the floor. Plans always fall through.

The Guy Who’s Too Hot

He’s a human stock image who does fake jobs like “consulting” and “architecture.” You don’t trust his abs to be real and you suspect he’s a bot planted by graduate psychologists conducting an experiment on narcissism. Or a narc.

The Modern Romancer

Messages “Hey sexy” once. Never follows up.

The Bro

Keeps it 100, you feel? Patriots all the way, babyy. Football emoji. When you mention that you follow sports too, he’ll challenge you to name coaches, count championships, remember stats, you name it—because there’s nothing that gets girls going than having their knowledge questioned.

The Guy Married to His Kettlebells

Always hungry and will never stop talking about his latest diet. Wants to take you bouldering. Can’t understand why people can’t eat healthy like him. It’s all about willpower, you know? Sends you links to Paleo recipes. 

The Capitalist Who Sees People as Dollar Signs

His bio has his credit score and Uber rating. His first DM will ask you what you do. Flirts on LinkedIn.

The Guy Too Good at Giving You Space

He’s so respectful of your time and space, maybe a little too respectful? Hello?? Is this man a citizen of Earth? Your messages go seen as read.

The Nice Guy

Says he’s funny and kind and thoughtful and caring in his profile. Will not be funny and thoughtful and caring when you reject him. He bought you a drink —why aren’t you more grateful?

The Guys Who Probably Likely Voted for Trump

Looks normal enough but so do most Nazis. Yikes, is the frog emoji in his bio a Pepe reference? Cannot name a woman author he reads. Has a favorite “Leftist.” Thinks you need to hear both sides. Is sorry you’re sorry.